tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-55665535282832643272024-03-08T08:27:44.558-08:00The Ears Are The Side Entrance To The SoulPerverse verse by Martin JeyesMartin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-34556123067532547472015-06-19T14:53:00.000-07:002015-11-14T05:53:27.458-08:00Advertisement Idea For Rosetta StoneLate at night<br />
About half past dark<br />
Cows meow<br />
And horses bark.<br />
<br />
Dogs copy frogs<br />
Pigs say "baa"<br />
Sheep make the sound of a passing car.<br />
<br />
Mice roar<br />
Chipmunks cheep<br />
Clams copy vans (a bit like the sheep).<br />
<br />
Hummingbirds whistle - I know, it's crazy<br />
Ducks still quack<br />
But they're just fucking lazy.<br />
<br />
You can learn too<br />
Wherever you are<br />
Strolling in the park<br />
Or having sex in a car<br />
Rearranging your nads, reading ads on the tube<br />
Or trussed up in a dungeon while your friend applies lube.<br />
<br />
And I know it's not as easy as making a sandwich<br />
<br />
But it's a skill, and a thrill<br />
<br />
Learn a foreign language.Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-8206728550156067232015-04-23T12:39:00.000-07:002015-04-23T12:45:17.561-07:00Fly Garden DiscoFly, why<br />
Do you buzz in the sky<br />
With your mates, in square shapes<br />
Like you're trapped in crates<br />
Invisible to the naked eye<br />
Is it the WiFi, why fly, why?<br />
The way you dance, take a chance, delight me<br />
But I'll make a stance:<br />
<br />
Don't you fucking bite me<br />
<br />
From high, up by<br />
The conservatory roof<br />
You don't want <i>my </i>blood <br />
It's 40% proof;<br />
I've been drinking wine, well it's been a long day<br />
Don't make me preach<br />
Or I'll reach for the fly spray<br />
Soon<br />
There's moon<br />
And they drifted away<br />
Well that's what flies do at the end of the day<br />
In stranger shapes<br />
On different axes<br />
And some with their mum<br />
In butterfly taxis.<br />
<br />
Goodbye fly<br />
You're pretty fly<br />
For a fly.Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-5919397907072840982015-04-19T12:35:00.003-07:002015-04-19T12:35:59.888-07:00Pond<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.2999992370605px;">Pond must ring up cloud</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.2999992370605px;">To ask for more pond</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.2999992370605px;">So he can be sea.</span>Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-11991692959773024262015-03-28T13:15:00.000-07:002015-03-28T13:15:16.971-07:00Warning: Heart Thieves Operate In This Area<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.2999992370605px;">
Nancy, oh Nancy<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />It's you that I fancy<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />You make my bones shake<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />And I feel all antsy<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />From the first sight I might have got <br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />A frying pan in the face<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />A second Big Bang<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />Stopping time and space <br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />An English rose with a pretty nose<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />My pupils dilated<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />I feel like cheese feels<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />When it's just been grated<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />Like a Messerschmidt's bullets hit me<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />Running up my spine</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.2999992370605px;">
I'm so messed up I can't even think of the next line<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />If love were an illness <br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />I've a really bad case<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />It's like my heart left my chest<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />And went and punched me in the face<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />And when I catch a quick flick of your slick brown hair<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />It's like I'm beating myself repeatedly <br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />With the leg of my chair<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />I quiver like a river<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />In Gosport, Hants<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />But the thing I think most about<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />Is Nancy's pants<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />Yeah ok I realise that bit's a bit naughty<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />(Like I know you're 24 and I'm over 40)<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />But whatever, it's just a number and it's plain to see<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />Like a bank robber<br style="line-height: 21.2999992370605px;" />You really did a number on me.</div>
Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-46346994674205730912014-09-11T15:05:00.001-07:002014-09-11T15:15:36.388-07:00Moth<div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21.2999992370605px; margin-bottom: 1.35em;">
<span style="background-color: transparent;">Moth</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; line-height: 21.2999992370605px;">You need to get off</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">My cloth</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">And my lightbulb, soon</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">Because I’m not the moon</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">And you should’ve been advised</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">When you got here too soon</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">That the sky’s</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">Big, like a sponsord-ised gig</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">And you’ve been waiting in the wings</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">To flap your dainty little things</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">Dry</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">But don’t cry</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">As you chew through my vest</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">ed interests</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">Coz I</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">Am as vain as the next guy</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">On foot rests</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">Who prefers legs to breasts</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">And thigh.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent;">I hear your sigh</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; line-height: 21.2999992370605px;">And just wonder why it’s human nature to objectify</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">I</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">Have always preferred the butterfly</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">And that’s a dry little metaphor</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">For</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">Life.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">Still at least we can sigh</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">And then go under the knife</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">And have the lips of a clown without being pinned down.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent;">In the end nobody loses</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">We just choose the bruises</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">Be it the dominant forces resources</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">Or the freedom fighter’s Kalashnicov…</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">I don’t care,</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">I just stare</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;">And hate your constant buzzing</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent;">Moth.</span></div>
Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-44097082935234565742014-05-26T15:28:00.000-07:002014-05-26T15:28:52.271-07:00A Poem I Can't Remember The Title Of<div style="background: white; line-height: 12.75pt;">
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">I’d like to broach a subject that my friends find unbearable</span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">It’s my memory…</span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">And it’s fucking terrible.</span><span style="color: #2a2a2a;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Now, it’s nothing to do with laziness or a lack of respect</span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">I listen to all you say, I just</span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Don’t always recollect.</span><span style="color: #2a2a2a;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">It’s a stillness, an illness, like my mind’s been blinded</span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Yeah I’ll meet you down the pub, I just need to be reminded.</span><span style="color: #2a2a2a;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 12.75pt;">
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">It’s useless, toothless, a mental brick wall</span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">I even forgot the plot of Total Recall.</span><span style="color: #2a2a2a;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Like a manual car without a clutch</span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Or a Braille sign that says “Do Not Touch”</span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">It’s pointless,</span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">It’s a breeze on the far side of Venus</span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">It’s small and it’s shrivelled,</span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Like a cold man's penis.</span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Like an itch on a knee at the London Palladium</span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">My memory’s like a fart in a football stadium.</span><span style="color: #2a2a2a;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 12.75pt;">
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">It’s insignificant, largely irrelevant<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">It won't engender jealousy in a clichéd elephant.</span><span style="color: #2a2a2a;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 12.75pt;">
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">I’m not enjoying this toying, it’s annoying as hell</span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Apparently I wrote this line before, but it doesn’t ring a bell.</span><span style="color: #2a2a2a;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 12.75pt;">
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">My memory is cold, like the old in December<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">I would tell you more, but I just can't...um...oh…what’s the word?</span></div>
<pre style="background: white; line-height: 12.75pt;"><span style="color: #2a2a2a;"><!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></pre>
<pre style="background: white; line-height: 12.75pt;"><span style="color: #2a2a2a;"><!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></pre>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 12.75pt;">
<span style="color: #2a2a2a; font-size: small; font-weight: normal; line-height: 12.75pt;"><br /></span></div>
<pre style="background: white; line-height: 12.75pt;"><span style="color: #2a2a2a;"><!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></pre>
<pre style="background: white; line-height: 12.75pt;"><span style="color: #2a2a2a;"><!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></pre>
Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-84298116694795644382013-07-14T10:09:00.001-07:002015-01-26T15:37:26.858-08:00Kardashian Kar Krash<div class="MsoNormal">
Why is your passion</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On ration</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like it’s gone out of fashion?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You’ve perfected the trick of making me sick</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like I’m watching the Kardashians</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Who think we’re enlightened when they whiten their teeth </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or get new tints</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The vacuous bints</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And that twatish bloke with the jumper round his neck. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m no fighter</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I’d love to pull it tighter</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Life would be better to see you swing</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From the ceiling</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Attached to an Arran sweater.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I’m better than this</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I don’t know if you got the gist</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s just I’d love your expensive watch</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To list</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like a ship</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And slip</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To the floor</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From your limp, dead wrist.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m in my prime</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I could turn to crime</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do time</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And yeah it might seem that I’m</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Being rash</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But just a cheeky little car crash</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Would do the job.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know this bloke, Bob</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Everest of man-mountains</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Who could sort it in such a manner</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like Diana</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But with less memorial fountains.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I know wishing death on someone is a little far</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
But I’d supply the car</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If that’s what it takes</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
It just wouldn’t have brakes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I digress</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I went off road</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like I hope their fucking car does</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
NO!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m joking</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m just poking fun, I’m provoking</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m karaoke-ing with a lie that I can’t deny:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t really want the Kardashians to die.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want them tortured</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To within an inch of their celebrity life</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like I’d get one red ant</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And his ant wife</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To eat them alive</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Starting at opposite ends</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Until they arrive</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Together</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And all that survives</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is their eyes</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So they can watch their demise</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In HD, like me</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And their shitty TV show</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I so</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Despise.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wise</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Men would say turn over</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I don’t control the TV in our house</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I haven’t got the nous</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m timid as a mouse</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I haven’t even got a spouse</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Just my girls</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Steph and Emma</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s not much of a dilemma</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I don’t moan when you don’t replace the loo roll</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or leave the key in the front door</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But that Kardashian programme’s poor</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And QI’s on the other side</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And even silence is better for the mind</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I’m sorry for speaking while you’re watching</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But please, please, please</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Whatever you do<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t rewind. </div>
Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-37551333451838301972013-04-30T15:30:00.002-07:002015-04-01T11:02:17.212-07:00Compensation Culture Vulture<span style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">A window pane</span><br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
When it connects with your brain</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
Is not quite the same</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
As gaining a stain</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
You could ring the council to complain </div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
But <span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 22px;">the paperwork might drive you insane,</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 22px;">So in the main</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
I would refrain<br />
There's nothing to gain</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
But heartache and pain</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
It's throwing good money down the drain</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
It's walking, single, down a lover's lane</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
It's buying a horse that ends up lame</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
It's knowing you were rubbish and she never came</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
It's putting out the washing when it starts to rain</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
It's the FA Cup final and you've picked up a strain</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
Or you're late for Spain coz you missed the train</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
And of your life</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
It could be the bane.<br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 22px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 22px;">I speak the truth</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
But only a grain</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
You can make a claim</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">
Just sign your name</div>
Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-43502386534549803412013-04-21T12:55:00.002-07:002013-04-21T12:55:59.779-07:00Car PhilosophyAs I gently press the throttle<br />
I think<br />
Aristotle had a lot of bottle<br />
He had a lot of things to say<br />
And as I break I wonder what he'd make<br />
Of today<br />
The proliferation of media<br />
Smart phones, ice cream cones<br />
Wikipedia<br />
The people lurking in social networking<br />
Sites<br />
Human wrongs and human rights<br />
Electric lights<br />
40 denier tights<br />
How cool would it be to let him see<br />
With a lightbulb<br />
To marvel at planes, trains, bus lanes<br />
A Hoover plugged in at the mains<br />
Stock market gains<br />
Our ability to remove stains<br />
<br />
All those inventions<br />
Too many<br />
To mentions<br />
<br />
There's laptops and Lycra<br />
The Nissan Micra<br />
How we deliver a parcel<br />
And talk about a footballer's 4th metatarsal...<br />
<br />
If I took him out<br />
Our world would probably <i>freak </i>him out<br />
I'd get the drinks<br />
It'd be my shout<br />
But these things, I just don't know about<br />
How they work<br />
I use them, I abuse them<br />
Sometimes I lose them<br />
I'm an ignorant jerk<br />
A berk<br />
I just see them as a perk<br />
I'm sorry Aristotle<br />
I just get all<br />
Annoyed<br />
With myself<br />
A bit deranged<br />
But the lights have changed<br />
So maybe I should stop philosophising<br />
Summerising<br />
Surmising and compromising with the temperature rising<br />
<br />
And just start driving.<br />
<br />Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-42030708120877558432013-04-21T12:15:00.000-07:002013-04-30T15:31:55.526-07:00Broken Hearted In TescosWatching the tramps queue<br />
For Special Brew<br />
I think yeah, I fancied you<br />
A bit<br />
I mean you were fit<br />
You had a nice nose<br />
And always looked good<br />
In your Tesco's clothes<br />
By the cream cake shelf<br />
(And that's an art in itself)<br />
<br />
I worked there too<br />
And there was nothing in my contract<br />
About your eye contact<br />
Plus I would've expected additional fees<br />
To cover goosebump usage<br />
When you teased<br />
You were the honey to my bees<br />
The carrots to my peas<br />
The toast to my cheese<br />
The squirrel to my trees<br />
<br />
Oh how I'd loved to have buried my nuts<br />
<br />
And it cuts<br />
When I think about her<br />
On the cheese counter<br />
All big eyes<br />
A big white hat<br />
And lips<br />
All I had was my quick wits<br />
And funny quips<br />
We drifted apart<br />
Like passing ships<br />
Well I was more of a sinking rowing boat<br />
And you were an aircraft carrier<br />
With a permanent barrier<br />
But it's not your fault<br />
I should've run after you<br />
Like Usain Bolt<br />
Or swam like Michael Phelps<br />
But time's a great healer<br />
And I've put out a few feelers<br />
<br />
Well, Every Little Helps.<br />
<br />Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-23328636167826258122013-03-29T10:38:00.000-07:002017-05-18T09:30:54.667-07:00A Happy Ending<br />
The problem with some poems<br />
Is you don't know where they end.<br />
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<i><b>(big pause)</b> </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I hate the awkward pauses<br />
That can drive you round the bend.<br />
They become a slight distraction<br />
And you don't know your reaction<br />
Is quite the right action to gain satisfaction.<br />
A fraction of the time I applaud too soon<br />
I feel like a loon<br />
Like there's an elephant in the room.<br />
But it's not my fault, it's the poet<br />
And he knows it.<br />
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<i><b>(pause)</b> </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
The false ending is even more mind bending<br />
It seems to be trending<br />
And is frankly a little offending.<br />
It needs mending<br />
And I feel like spending some time sending<br />
A letter to my MP,<br />
The BBC<br />
And John Hegley.<br />
Or paying a visit<br />
And if there is a happy ending<br />
Then this is it.<br />
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<i><b>(pause, look at woman in audience)</b> </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Sorry that wasn't the end, missus.<br />
This is.Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-66423158352156309602013-01-17T13:53:00.002-08:002013-01-17T13:53:52.650-08:00Arachnid Anachronism<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes I think that you want me around</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As muscle, to hustle</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or lend you a pound</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To loosen a jar</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For lifts in my car</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To Ikea</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I fear</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s never too far</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For me to say no</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some balls, I should grow</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I should Coco.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And when</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All the men are inside ya</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like the clown, I’ll always be stage left</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bereft </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Catching my breath</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Trapping a spider. </div>
Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-54795542331541291072012-12-30T12:14:00.000-08:002012-12-30T12:15:06.148-08:00On The Rocks<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
Ice</div>
Is nice<br />
In a drink, I think<br />
But not when it’s in your heart<br />
It was warm <br />
At the start<br />
But since the problems arose-n<br />
Your ventricles<br />
All your tentacles<br />
And your unmentionables<br />
Seem frozen.Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-78253309647399986822012-09-20T19:40:00.000-07:002012-09-20T19:43:14.938-07:00Washing Up<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">I’m at the business end of you<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">It might be blue <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">But I quite like the view<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">It’s true<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">And since September, as far as I
remember<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">It ain’t been fun for my gun and
this ember</span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">That burns still<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">A pill I can’t extinguish as it adds to my anguish<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Like foes where I can’t turn up
their toes<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">And vanquish<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">I’ll buy some Vanish<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Wash you out of my downstairs
hair<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">And dance like Lionel Blair on
your grave<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">But save <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">The memories of your tits<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Just the good bits<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">In fits <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">And starts<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Like a painter who paints a
picture<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">In the dark arts<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">I’ll play darts on your face<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Hit the bullshit<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">But shield my cards, chase the
ace<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">With no trace<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Of the tear lines<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Or parking fines<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">On double yellows, with violins
and cellos that sound great<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Even in the gutter, like the
butter that’s gone out of date<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">It’s not runny<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">But it tastes funny<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Like when you lick money<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Or broken bricks from a wall<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">If only I’d been tall<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">er<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">And you hadn’t foxed me<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">And boxed me in a corner<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Because I now box clever with my
new pecs<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">And flex till I stink<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Or drink so I don’t think<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">When I’m stood at the sink<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">In pink <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Marigolds to stop burns<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Returns with held receipts<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Deceits, shelled out on bed
sheets<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">At the dead<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Of the red wine<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Where there’s a sign that I don’t want
to face<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">It’s like the plates, my best
mates<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Beaming<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Gleaming<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">Probably scheming<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">But luckily I’m still not
dreaming<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span style="color: #2a2a2a;">About you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-50972452669088917542012-05-12T02:26:00.002-07:002012-05-13T12:35:45.792-07:00ButterWhen the butter hits the heat of the crumpet<br />
do you think it screams?<br />
Do you think it dreams<br />
of being back in the fridge<br />
on the ridge <br />
just before <br />
the door?<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
I adore</div>
the taste as it melts<br />
through tightened belts <br />
and honeycombed holes<br />
Salty, naughty, <br />
salinating our souls.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
Sometimes I have it in rolls.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
And when it drips</div>
like a golden shower <br />
its power <br />
draws me<br />
to mop up the bits.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
Some say it’ll give me a heart attack,<br />
knifed to the edges of a crackers crack.</div>
Like yellow porn<br />
on sweetcorn<br />
or an embarrassing rash<br />
in mash.Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-63797526183045729772012-03-02T06:43:00.002-08:002012-03-02T06:50:22.884-08:00There's No Such Thing As A Free Lunch<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"></span></p><span><span>I stole some pickle from work </span></span><div><span><span>I’m such a berk </span></span></div><div><span><span>I could get sacked </span></span></div><div><span><span>Backed and cracked. </span></span></div><div><span><span>It’s just the sandwich at hand </span></span></div><div><span><span>Was so bland </span></span></div><div><span><span>It needed a lift. </span></span></div><div><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span>So do I. </span></span></div><div><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span>And what’s more I took too much</span></span></div><div><span><span>I spoiled the feast </span></span></div><div><span><span>The hardened form of milk </span></span></div><div><span><span>In Tesco’s Value </span></span></div><div><span><span>Medium sliced yeast </span></span></div><div><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span>Infection, is what it felt like </span></span></div><div><span><span>And on reflection </span></span></div><div><span><span> I wasn’t really needy </span></span></div><div><span><span>Just greedy. </span></span></div><div><span><span><br /></span></span></div><div><span><span>But now I must eat the evidence of the deed </span></span></div><div><span><span>Speedily.</span></span><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment--> </div>Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-5355905535176047542012-02-19T15:57:00.000-08:002012-02-19T16:10:03.853-08:00Car TroubleThere’s an anxiety<br />Within me<br />When I’m driving my old car<br />As I change gear, I fear<br />That it won’t get me far<br />That through engine procrastination<br />My destination<br />Will not be reached<br />My optimism, breached<br />And the temperature gauge raised.<br /><br />I once praised<br />Her reliability<br />Until she overheated.<br /><br />I felt cheated.<br /><br />I could almost taste the battery acid<br />I was flaccid<br />And no longer placid.<br /><br />I filled her up<br />Like two girls, one cup<br />Right to the brim.<br /><br />It was win-win<br />Until she died again<br />And I got a new head gasket.Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-32843565373144512492012-01-05T03:59:00.000-08:002012-01-05T04:04:37.952-08:00Cheesy Love PoemI rated<br />The things you did with cheese<br />When you grated<br />Over lasagne for your guests<br />And your breasts, for me.<br /><br />I made goals<br />Elaborate plans that my hands<br />Tried to clutch.<br />But I fumbled<br />And Danish Blue, like you<br />I crumbled.<br /><br />Parmesan is hard<br />Like your heart<br />And from the start I knew this<br />But still I remember a softness<br />More like brie<br />To me.<br /><br />I may have been addicted<br />But then you predicted I would be.<br />I indulged in a Red Leicester’s delights<br />But it festers<br />This feeling within me<br />And with dread I now tread<br />Caerphilly.<br /><br />I know these lines might seem cheesy<br />And you’ll think that it’s easy, and there’s better I can do<br />But as my tongue slinks around a feta<br />I thinks<br />Define ‘better’<br />Cheese is just a meta_phor<br />And I’m better for<br />Tasting all that life has to offer.<br /><br />Well not all.<br />Some bits take the biscuit<br />And when you feel beaten<br />Are better left<br />Uneaten.Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-21905448026371930382012-01-04T19:15:00.000-08:002012-01-05T03:09:46.148-08:00Body Language<em>(poem about body dysmorphia for mental health charity's advertising competition)<br /><br /></em>A sad little piggy<br />I sit in my pen<br />I’m nothing like Barbie<br />(But you’re nothing like Ken)<br />I nose you seen me<br />I felt you looking<br />I’m dieting again<br />So there’s no point cooking.<br />It’s funny<br />I spoke to a bloke by the Tyne<br /><br />I said I feel ugly<br />He said I look fine.Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-56959070124139706192012-01-04T19:11:00.000-08:002012-01-05T03:00:57.901-08:00Clean Living<em>(poem about OCD for mental health charity's advertising competition)<br /><br /></em>I implore<br />You don’t keep score<br />Of the times I wash my hands.<br />No-one understands<br />That it’s better to be safe than sorry.<br />Because recklessness kills<br />Like the wheels of a lorry<br />It causes infection<br />And on reflection<br />Even after fifteen times<br />On bleach-scrubbed fingers<br />Society’s stigma<br />Still lingers.Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-75084473745412856072012-01-04T19:05:00.000-08:002012-01-04T19:06:28.884-08:00The Leaf That Knows It Will FallI am the dust on a sandy beach<br />The tear that drips in a rolling wave<br />The gentle voice by a nuclear bomb<br />And the kiss in a storm that shakes while you sleep.<br /><br />I am the Polaroid that fades<br />The flower that wilts and the ear that bends<br />I am the tree you lean against<br />I am the floor of the Sistine Chapel.<br /><br />I am the sky beyond the fireworks<br />The thirteenth brick in the seventeenth wall<br />The match that’s damp, a car with no petrol<br />I am the leaf that knows it will fall.Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-32584557134748486962012-01-04T19:00:00.001-08:002012-01-04T19:01:01.635-08:00Resting In PiecesLying in this hammock gives me time to think<br />That living with you is what drove me to drink.<br /><br />The butterfly knows when he goes to his trunk <br />That you and your ways are what made me a drunk.<br /><br />Asleep on the side, take a leaf from his book<br />But don’t judge the cover, my lover, my crook.<br /><br />The shade in your shadow and green round the gills<br />With ringside seats as my body distils.<br /><br />Down the ravine where our hope used to flicker<br />You didn’t like cars but you drove me to liquor.<br /><br />The house, it stands empty. Well you got your wish<br />Your eating was plenty; I drank like a fish.<br /><br />The cowbells that follow me down to the borders<br />They used to sound sweet, now they call for last orders.<br /><br />In a field of sunlight between two pines<br />I swing here and sample South African wines.<br /><br />The droppings of horses are calling my bluff<br />When one is too many and ten’s not enough.<br /><br />They’re so last year, these blazing stones<br />Like our love that was golden, now I’m soaked to my bones.<br /><br />Leaning back as the dark comes on<br />With the droop of my eyelids, soon I’ll be gone.<br /><br />The evening is pleading my spirit to stay<br />But it’s all your fault at the end of the day.<br /><br />A chicken hawk floats too close to the gun<br />A shot in the darkness, down in one.<br /><br />A tipple, a triple, I’ll drink to his life<br />Now wasted, I tasted, the edge of a knife.<br /><br />The pain and the sorrow, she finally ceases<br />I drink ‘til I’m drunk and I’m resting in pieces.Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-45441550367564808972012-01-04T18:56:00.000-08:002012-01-04T18:57:04.150-08:00Cheese At BedtimeI'm eating cheese though it's just before bed<br />For experimentation, to mess with my head<br />I wonder if cream can cause you to dream? <br /><br />I'll just have a biscuit instead.Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-1696190050456961362012-01-04T18:53:00.000-08:002012-01-05T03:04:27.501-08:00Football Is A Bit Like LoveFootball is a bit like love<br />It often breaks your heart<br />You get a funny feeling in your stomach<br />At the start.<br />It activates your brain the same<br />Where hopes and dreams reside.<br />I saw a chance to score with you<br />But I’d drifted offside.<br /><br />They both illicit a notion of emotion.<br />I was wracked with fatigue, you were out of my league<br />But there’s always a chance of promotion.Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5566553528283264327.post-37770641936513593152012-01-04T18:48:00.000-08:002012-01-04T18:51:55.564-08:00Exorcising DemonsI'll raise a glass to you, and him<br />Even though you're both not here<br />And I won't complain that it's not champagne<br />I prefer a nice cold beer.<br />It's ice-cold like your heart in fact<br />And as it slips down my vocal tract<br />I hope he gives you fun<br />And makes you happy<br />Preceded by 'un'.<br />You know by now <br />This really shouldn't be a surprise<br />You're my demons<br />You need some exorcise.Martin Jeyeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13180833718329032468noreply@blogger.com0