Friday, 19 June 2015

Advertisement Idea For Rosetta Stone

Late at night
About half past dark
Cows meow
And horses bark.

Dogs copy frogs
Pigs say "baa"
Sheep make the sound of a passing car.

Mice roar
Chipmunks cheep
Clams copy vans (a bit like the sheep).

Hummingbirds whistle - I know, it's crazy
Ducks still quack
But they're just fucking lazy.

You can learn too
Wherever you are
Strolling in the park
Or having sex in a car
Rearranging your nads, reading ads on the tube
Or trussed up in a dungeon while your friend applies lube.

And I know it's not as easy as making a sandwich

But it's a skill, and a thrill

Learn a foreign language.

Thursday, 23 April 2015

Fly Garden Disco

Fly, why
Do you buzz in the sky
With your mates, in square shapes
Like you're trapped in crates
Invisible to the naked eye
Is it the WiFi, why fly, why?
The way you dance, take a chance, delight me
But I'll make a stance:

Don't you fucking bite me

From high, up by
The conservatory roof
You don't want my blood
It's 40% proof;
I've been drinking wine, well it's been a long day
Don't make me preach
Or I'll reach for the fly spray
There's moon
And they drifted away
Well that's what flies do at the end of the day
In stranger shapes
On different axes
And some with their mum
In butterfly taxis.

Goodbye fly
You're pretty fly
For a fly.

Sunday, 19 April 2015


Pond must ring up cloud
To ask for more pond
So he can be sea.

Saturday, 28 March 2015

Warning: Heart Thieves Operate In This Area

Nancy, oh Nancy
It's you that I fancy
You make my bones shake
And I feel all antsy
From the first sight I might have got 
A frying pan in the face
A second Big Bang
Stopping time and space 
An English rose with a pretty nose
My pupils dilated
I feel like cheese feels
When it's just been grated
Like a Messerschmidt's bullets hit me
Running up my spine
I'm so messed up I can't even think of the next line
If love were an illness 
I've a really bad case
It's like my heart left my chest
And went and punched me in the face
And when I catch a quick flick of your slick brown hair
It's like I'm beating myself repeatedly 
With the leg of my chair
I quiver like a river
In Gosport, Hants
But the thing I think most about
Is Nancy's pants
Yeah ok I realise that bit's a bit naughty
(Like I know you're 24 and I'm over 40)
But whatever, it's just a number and it's plain to see
Like a bank robber
You really did a number on me.