Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Compensation Culture Vulture

A window pane
When it connects with your brain
Is not quite the same
As gaining a stain
You could ring the council to complain 
But the paperwork might drive you insane,
So in the main
I would refrain
There's nothing to gain
But heartache and pain
It's throwing good money down the drain
It's walking, single, down a lover's lane
It's buying a horse that ends up lame
It's knowing you were rubbish and she never came
It's putting out the washing when it starts to rain
It's the FA Cup final and you've picked up a strain
Or you're late for Spain coz you missed the train
And of your life
It could be the bane.

I speak the truth
But only a grain
You can make a claim
Just sign your name

Sunday, 21 April 2013

Car Philosophy

As I gently press the throttle
I think
Aristotle had a lot of bottle
He had a lot of things to say
And as I break I wonder what he'd make
Of today
The proliferation of media
Smart phones, ice cream cones
The people lurking in social networking
Human wrongs and human rights
Electric lights
40 denier tights
How cool would it be to let him see
With a lightbulb
To marvel at planes, trains, bus lanes
A Hoover plugged in at the mains
Stock market gains
Our ability to remove stains

All those inventions
Too many
To mentions

There's laptops and Lycra
The Nissan Micra
How we deliver a parcel
And talk about a footballer's 4th metatarsal...

If I took him out
Our world would probably freak him out
I'd get the drinks
It'd be my shout
But these things, I just don't know about
How they work
I use them, I abuse them
Sometimes I lose them
I'm an ignorant jerk
A berk
I just see them as a perk
I'm sorry Aristotle
I just get all
With myself
A bit deranged
But the lights have changed
So maybe I should stop philosophising
Surmising and compromising with the temperature rising

And just start driving.

Broken Hearted In Tescos

Watching the tramps queue
For Special Brew
I think yeah, I fancied you
A bit
I mean you were fit
You had a nice nose
And always looked good
In your Tesco's clothes
By the cream cake shelf
(And that's an art in itself)

I worked there too
And there was nothing in my contract
About your eye contact
Plus I would've expected additional fees
To cover goosebump usage
When you teased
You were the honey to my bees
The carrots to my peas
The toast to my cheese
The squirrel to my trees

Oh how I'd loved to have buried my nuts

And it cuts
When I think about her
On the cheese counter
All big eyes
A big white hat
And lips
All I had was my quick wits
And funny quips
We drifted apart
Like passing ships
Well I was more of a sinking rowing boat
And you were an aircraft carrier
With a permanent barrier
But it's not your fault
I should've run after you
Like Usain Bolt
Or swam like Michael Phelps
But time's a great healer
And I've put out a few feelers

Well, Every Little Helps.